I stumbled upon my old DeadJournal, I can't go back to it ever again, and made me realize a lot. One major thing, I was never in place to have a relationship with Hairo. I was seriously depressed overall (why? I don't have the slightest clue). Another major thing, my dedication to school. Something that I wish I had back. Oh, and I wrote even shittier than I do now, didn't think that was entirely possible?
The past few days, I've been getting some pretty intense headaches and random spurts of tears. Basically, I've been sort of a mess and not very attractive. I honestly want to sleep all the time.
So, of course during emotional times, I go back to my boy issue. I thought about it and I'm just stupid. I say this in the sense of how much time and energy I put into thinking about something who isn't even there. I've done this my whole life, right back to my father. I think of dream situations that I want to be placed in to prove my worth. Its ridiculous. Its sad. It needs to stop.
I know I honestly did like Courtney. I think with Fitz, I wanted so badly to like someone that he was cute and fun, but when it came down to it, he was SO not my type. I hadn't like anyone, truly, in so long. I still haven't. It's weird but it does take a lot to grab my attention and hold it longer than a week. Courtney and me, we weren't physical so I can't confuse the two like I did with Fitz. But he isn't there. I can't think of why he isn't or the maybes. I think the distance or school but when it comes down to it, when you want someone and I mean WANT, can't stop thinking about them, you'd find a way. I think even if I were to go home and see him, why should I bother? I mean, he disappeared on me and that shit doesn't fly with me. I don't want a relationship (of any sorts) to start off with a disappearing act. It's sucks, yeah it does a lot. And I probably won't stop thinking about him for some time now, 'cause I'm just strange like that but I HAVE to let go. I need to free myself from my own torment.
For a long time, I didn't know how to really do anything but to love Hairo. Now I think I just don't know how to love another person. Properly, patiently, and most importantly, normally. I figure, it's going to end eventually, just go into overdrive. I'm afraid of spending another two years on someone. I can't keep reaching for people who don't need me in their lives. I want to believe I deserve more. But who knows. I know I'm fucked up in the head.
I feel like I need something monumental to happen to make my life make sense again, I just don't know what it should be.
