Ridin' Solo

I'm caught between a place where the people around me are moving at warped speed. There are friends who are getting married, who are welcoming babies into the world, who are finding real jobs, who are committing themselves to another person, and who are committed to their lifestyle. I can't commit to weekend plans. I feel like I'm floating. I hate floating.

June was a rough month. A car accident. An ending to ex-relationship, for good? A death of a cat? The question mark is floating. She's missing for more than a week and half, and thats never good. I cried a car ride from Roosevelt. I can't go through another pet's death.

I need a balance. I need a routine. I need a spark.

I have a great guy who I do like. My friends love I think more than I do. He makes everything effortless. There are no games and I know how he feels. Fuck games. Right? I don't feel the spark. When I'm with him, I'm normal. I don't choke. That's good right? He's a great kisser. PLUS! But, somethings missing? The games. I am really fucked up.

However fucked up my relationship with Hairo was...that was even a balance. I had that constantly since I was 14. He's making sure I dont have that anymore. I know a part of him misses me, he sneaked that goodbye for a reason. But he's committed, and he's trying his best not to fucked up another relationship. He can't trust himself with me, that's known. And I'm not smart when I'm with him, that's obvious. Our relationship runs more on passion and memories than it does logic or maturity.  I just hope your happy Snoop.

I made myself a joke with Cooke. Because of the games. Because of my own insecurities. I didnt come off appealing. Which, I get. Hell, I don't even blame him. Just sucks. He was hot, a good kisser, and funny.  There was spark. But I guess a lot of it had to do with games. I never knew if he even liked me like that. He just enjoyed the attention I threw his way. I'm not throwing any thing his way anymore. Without making a grand statement this time, I bow out. I tried. More or so by the persuasion of Joey, "he just needs a little push." A push? I was practically body slamming him. Football style. Shame too, we share a love for Spain. Tomorrow is a big day.

July just started. Maybe with the heat wave, something new will wash over me. God I hope so.