Series of emotions that I'm afraid will cause a downward spiral. When I was younger, and to be honest not that long ago, I was depressed. How could a 14/15 year old be depressed? I was healthy, I had my mother, brother and little sister, I was a smart student, and I had my first boyfriend. But none of that matter to me. I just wanted to die.
In a span of about two years I found out and confessed that my nightmares of my childhood were true. I finally admitted to them and then felt guilty to everything because I wasn't the "pure" little girl to my mother, anymore.
My father was in fact a piece of shit of a parent. I spent years telling my mother that the reason I was father-less was because she was crazy. I hated my stepfather because, to me, he was technically the barrier of my parents being together. Then, poof- my father pops back up, with a little girl and a new wife. The truth comes out while I'm standing in a movie theater parking lot in the middle of the night. (Ironically, 2 years later, it's the same spot that I find out that the first guy I loved not only cheated on me, but lied about it. Trust issues will forever be a problem.)
I didn't have a brother, because we hated each other, he was constantly getting in trouble with cops, and had a crazy girlfriend. I was resentful of my little sister, because she had the family I always wanted.
One of my best friends, well weren't close at the time and my other best friend moved across the country to start a new life. I relied heavily on a boy who just ended up disappointing me countless times.
I was in a relationship that I made to be my savior. All the tests I constantly made should of made it more obvious that I should not have been with him. I gave him too much responsibility for a 16 year old. When he needed to walk away for his own sanity, I was left alone.
I don't know why I feel the need to write this now. These are emotions that I've dealt with and written about before. Nothing new here. I'm sitting here, overwhelmed with emotions and I can't figure out why. I had my darkest points before and I've made it out.
I know I can do this on my own. I haven't had a major crisis in my life for me to necessarily be depressed. I'm standing on my own two feet without the help of another person. Yet, my focus isn't in the right areas and I can't seem to straighten myself out. I mean, in the sense, of what I should be doing. It scares me to think, the only time I worked the hardest to fix myself was when I was depressed. That since, I'm technically "happy" I don't have enough motivation to move along the right direction I need to go in to be successful.
No matter how hard I fall now, I think "eh it'll work out" because it has before. I seem to forget that it worked out before because I fought it to. I pulled myself out of situations and away from people that weren't good for me or didn't treat me right, I focused on what I needed to, and I stood my ground. Why not now?
I need to pull myself straight before I do fall into that depression again. I know it's a possibility and it's honestly the only thing I'm afraid of.
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