i saw him and her tonight for the first time since they first became an item. i was very nervous and unsure of how i was going to handle it. a part of me was looking for me to catch him looking at me or some sort of outreach to me. but that never happened. i'm not heartbroekn over it. i have to remind myself that it's not him. it's the fact that i feel the sting of loneliness. the loneliness that explodes when i'm in situation like that..when i watch a good movie...when i stand in a party lookign for hand to grab. tonight i kept grabbing jaber's hand. i just want to feel someone's else warmth. i told him how i was feeling. he said i was ridiculous. i cant really explain to him that it's not about hairo. it's the competition with them. however, as a single i think i held myself better than she did. especially when he would leave her and she would run after him....that was a bit amusing. she looked good though, and i felt fat. but it's really a competition. it makes me miss having a guy.
i miss feez...in general. it's been about three weeks since i last saw him. it sucks cause there's colin. and hes so cute and ive always liked him, but i dont have the wild butterflies that i get with feez. i dont understand that it's been a year and i still like this kid. how pathetic! i wish things would work out better. even if its not ideal. its something for me to enjoy, to have fun with. but it wont happen...
i never wanted to be the girl who depended on a guy to be happy again. and i am happy for the most part. 99% percent of the time...
it's that fucking 1% that kills my insides.
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