Interesting.

I'm not sure how I got here, having such a disinterest for almost everyone around me. Everyone is just constantly failing in my eyes. People are either being selfish, overbearing, rude, or just straight up bitches. I can't remember the last time I was excited to speak to anyone beside my mother. It's sad. Actually, I take that back, one person I can get excited to talk to. But I don't even see her, so maybe that's why?

I feel like I do a bit too much for people some time. Or at least I use to. My constant attention on every single person is expected to continue but yet, I really don't remember the last time anyone has really been there for me. Part of the reason is because I don't reach out. Yes, I know that but there's a reason. In the past when I did, my problems were perceived as so minimal and it was a contest on who's life was shittier. I don't like contests.

I just think it's amusing because when it comes to the next coming months, I feel pressure to do what will please everyone else. It's the guilt trip. Funny that I never put anyone else through that when my birthday was missed, when I was visiting home for only a few days and couldn't be bother, or how about, when no one had my back when I was being unfairly attacked? People gotta do what they gotta do. I feel that, just know, so do I.

I don't do guilt trips. But maybe I should start, I mean it is the trend. My birthday is in a few days, and as of right now, I could care less. I know birthdays are a childish concept. Yet, it's more unbearable as you get older and when you're alone, especially when it falls the same weekend as the dreaded Day of Love.

I've been there for several people - close or not. It's never brought good in my life. Maybe it has in theirs, or maybe not. Usually it just brings a new wave of drama I have to deal with on a personal level.

I know I'm a bitch and not typically a nice person. I say harsh things and I feel like most people need tougher skins. However, the last thing I would ever be is selfish. I'll run to anyone's aid. But, I guess I'm not as smart as I use to be because I would know better. I would learn the lessons of my mother and the constant bullshit she was put through by not only my father but my uncles, stepsisters, and even brother. Generosity was taken advantage of and in the end, she's was still perceived as the cold-hearted woman.

Writing that last sentence made me cry because I've seen my mom hurt by people she's helped. My mom is damn strong woman and she's been through so much in her life to have people now as she older still pull shit that I'm dealing with at this age. I never got what she meant and I only assumed she meant with guys but she told me all the time, "You can't put too much faith in people, you have to care for yourself, even if you're left alone." Why would anyone want to be left alone?  Because of a peace of mind? Pretty much. I need serenity.

It's funny I started this blog for a place to write and even now I feel censored and overwhelming pressure.