Tissue Box

"That's just it, you've never known because I've never been able to tell you. That I'm angry with you, Dad. This entire thing. About you, and Lydia and the kids. It's the fact that you've found yourself this new family and I feel like some outsider who doesn't even belong to you anymore. It's like you traded me and Mom in for something that you thought was better and I wanna know why. Are you ashamed of me? Are you embarrassed? Just tell me, Dad, what did I do wrong? Why did you leave? Why did you have to go? And then tell me that we were gonna be closer? But that never happened. Dad, why does Paul visit his alcoholic dad every month but you only visit me twice a year? And I know, you just seem so happy about being Paul and Krista's dad but you never even had the time to be mine. 



I wish that were enough, Dad."

It's no different any day of the week. Its hard to openly talk about without bursting into tears. I can't talk to anyone I know, no one I know that's close to me is a product of abandonment. It's a completely overwhelming feeling to know that you weren't good enough for your father. My mom has said before the reason she doesn't take my dad to court for child support is because he left her the house without any problems. My father rather avoid legal troubles and give up a house than fight to have some custody of his first child. I'm thankful I grew up with my mother. I know, in most ways, I'm my mother's favorite and I've done a lot to make her proud. I had an awesome older brother, that while torture me in many ways, really did raise me. My mom said she'll never kick him out because no one understands how much of his childhood/teenage years he gave up to help her.  I really don't know how I would have turned out if I had my father's influence during the pivotal years. It doesn't change anything. It's a daily battle to push back the thought, "you weren't good enough." The person, who is biologically linked to you for life, could walk away without hesitation. He wasn't around the important dates, and he'll never be there. It's not the he's incapable, as its all the more evident with my "sister" being on Facebook, it's that he doesn't want to be there for me.