ENDER Will Save Us All

It's just like you to contest

you wear it like a label on your breast

don't you see what this takes of me?

A certain callousness complies

with your charm & in your pride

a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you

whatever you need.

What is it you need?

Is it what I need?

I want to give you

whatever you need.

What is it you need?

Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by

on so little from you.

It's hard to believe that I would let myself

get so wrapped in you.

There's got to be something that would

be worthwhile for me to give to you.

We need a connection but you

seem to push me far away from you.

The harder I push the further I fall.

Well you don't mind me being headstrong.

But you don't want to sing along.

Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong

Try not to be wrong.

Jailbait

Why He’s Hot:

• He plays a werewolf in The Twilight Saga, and even if you are on Team Edward, you CANNOT deny that the idea of those big, strong arms picking you up and tossing you onto the bed like you’re just a rag doll and having rough sex (in which he may actually growl) isn’t a Big. Fucking. Turn On.
• He’s not legal yet, (6 months to go!), so you can corrupt him. Best reason to go to jail. Ever.
• He looks good with dirt rubbed on his chest. Dear god. You know you would love to take a tumble in the dirt with him.
• Have you seen those arms? That chest? That stomach? If you don’t find those stunning, then you’re a lesbian.
• He’s a legit nice guy. He’s totally that super respectable, sweet guy who makes you want to act like a lady. But then you look at those arms and your thoughts aren’t so lady like anymore.

Werewolf

Just Look At Him!

Why He’s Hot:

• His smile. It can range anywhere from “I’m so sweet and innocent” to “yeah, I know this look will make you drop your pants.” Imagine waking up to this the morning after a hot fuck. Speaking of which…
• His ass. Some may say he’s not packing in the package department, but don’t try to tell yourself that this doesn’t make up for it. His whole hips/ ass department are enough to make you wet your panties. You know the drill, bathroom’s on the right.
• His lips. Pillowy, puffy, pouty, perfect. Don’t tell me you don’t want those all over every inch of your body.
• The Uriegasms. That’s right, folks, Mr. Urie has a habit of looking quite…euphoric while performing. Plus, he does this on stage sometimes. If he’s that turned on just singing on stage, imagine how turned on he’ll be whispering hot nonsense into your ear…in bed.
• He’s super hyper, admitting to having ADD. What does this mean for you? Nothing, other than he’ll be the most fun person you’ve ever met and this translates over to the bedroom…if you catch my drift.

Teen Hearts

Why He's Hot

Why He’s Hot:

• Well, he’s Leonardo DiCaprio. I could end the list at that but I won’t because that wouldn’t be any fun. He’s a classic good looking guy. Who grew up disliking him? He is beautiful and not many men are capable of being beautiful but masculine at the same time - he does.
• Am I the only one that sobbed when he died in the movie Titanic? I wasn’t crying because of Rose’s love loss, I was crying because she didn’t share the wood plank with this beautiful man (there was most definitely space for him) and he sank to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Also, if he was dead how was he supposed to have sex with me in a car on the bottom of a ship. I’m sure I’d show him a better time Rose ever did. Mind you, I was ten when the movie came out. He has to be hot if he had that affect on pre-teen girls.
• He doesn’t age. I honestly still think of him as this twenty year old actor but he’s much older than twenty. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. He’s still a young man as long as he still looks like one. Leo you’re not fooling anyone by growing that facial hair in an attempt to look older. Be glad you look young! I like it and I’m sure the same can be said by some other women.
• He is a mixed breed - German and Italian. That just reads as delicious man. He’s basically a human delicacy. You will not need a spoon to indulge in his “banana split”.
• He’s talented. No really, Leo can act. Following Titanic he landed some great roles that involved removing his shirt - okay sorry, off topic but he can act. He’s one of the few childhood actors that actually did really well as an adult actor. Talented men - that’s just sexy. If you think otherwise, I question what type of guys you go for.

Never Let Go

Make Her Say

Why He’s Hot:

• He’s got one of the most beautiful smiles you’ve ever seen. Those dimples and great teeth can break down even your steeliest defenses whether they’re around your heart or your fly.
• His style. Eclectic and always on point, CuDi always looks excellent, whether in a button down and tie or simple tee with his skinny jeans. And the man can accessorize. Yesss. We’ll just assume that he can do everything so well.
• He smokes pot. To those of us that know the treasure of a man that will cuddle on the couch and light up with you, laugh hysterically at your sudden propensity for quoting The Hangover, and then not judge you when you eat an entire bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos - that’s extremely hot.
• He’s hilarious, and isn’t afraid to make fun of himself, which we all know is pretty much a prerequisite to being hot.
• His name is Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi. I’ll just let that go ahead and marinate on y’all a little bit…. Ok. Now: can you say that 5 times fast? I wonder if he could make you say it

Cudders Anthem

Good Night, and Good Luck

There are large part of me that are still very mad at the world because I do not understand why good people, like me, have to be lonely.

I watch all these people buzzing like bees around me in all the different areas of my life and everyone seems to be connected to something. I feel disconnected. I am just alone.

Everything I am connected to is made by me and so really it is just a connection to myself. I exist in this little bubble of me, and if I chose not to reach out into the world for a few days, I am never surprised to not be contacted by anyone, I fly by without showing up on any persons radar. That is a terrible way to feel, and a terrible thing to realize: I literally do not matter to anyone.

I want to be happy for all the people I see, and know, who are in love, for everyone holding hands, for all the people that do not have be alone, wondering, like me, if they some how deserve this loneliness, if maybe god, or the universe never did really forgive me for my sins.

It must be nice to wake up somewhere, and belong there and know that it is a forever situation, that your love you share with someone isn’t a trend or a time that will be replaced and forgotten at some point. That the person looking back at you sees you as their connection in life , that you are not an afterthought and never will be. That they are not thinking about the time when you wont be there, because you will always be there.

I want that. Please.

Sanctuary

Maybe, I'm One Of Them.

I Don't Want To Be Confused Anymore.

But It Never Is

Never Is Though.

"Step Up"

Crush.

I don't think we use the word "crush" enough but that exactly how I feel about guys more than half the time. I don't necessarily like you, but I do have a crush on you. A simple little crush. Stupid mostly, I'm just a fool. I hadn't had a crush in years, I can't handle them.

IMPOSSIBLE.

Tic Toc

Serenade ME!

All For You.

But I Need More This Time.

I've Been Looking Around...

Ha, Yeah...

I finally got closure from you, yet I still don't feel complete.

And I’m afraid I’ll always feel that way. Kind of make me wish I never let you in, in the first place and I’m kind of hoping you’ll eventually become one of the past that I end up forgetting about because I sure as hell don’t want you to be one of the ones I’ll always remember. But unfortunately, I think I will. You’ve already put an etch into my heart and I’ve only known you for a short amount of time that only included a short amount of interactions — but all too amazing to let go of. But I need to, because I see you’ve already done so with me. But if anything — if I do end up stuck on remembering you for as long as I live, my memories of you will always leave me with something of a bittersweet taste, just like you did with you and your never ending chase, that never got us anywhere, and had me running in circles for nothing, for nowhere, for someone not actually there and maybe only after so long I have realize it’s time to close that door and know under all that fun and mystery, we never meant to have much of a long-term history no matter how much my heart wanted one. It just wasn’t meant to be no matter how hard I tried to get you to see, but I know by now there will never be a you and me (although I have to wonder if that’s something I’ll ever come to finally accept.)

I Always Deserved More

"it seems like we’ve been dancing this dance of an on and off romance for years beyond years and i’m starting to think maybe, just maybe i should finally conquer my fears and realize we’ll never stay on when the light is always off, at least in your heart. in mine, it still swells very much for you and what we have — what we had, what i’m always hoping for more of, and what there may never really be no matter how much i keep holding on. but my insides, they’re very tired, and although these bones will always ache for you, i need my heart to be happy — to feel alive again, to feel like it’s beating for a reason. and if the reality is that we’re never going to be what we used to be, then maybe the reason can’t be you, anymore. maybe i deserve someone new."

Baby Presh.

It's A Blur

BUY ME ONE NOW

Fact of Life:

Girls ALWAYS pick their boys over their girls.

Correction: ANY

You Write:

"you cannot protect yourself from sadness

without protecting yourself from happiness

and I’ve been protecting myself from all things, hoping to avoid the possibility of regret. There are things I’ve thought, words I’ve kept at bay, people I could’ve loved if I had let myself, and we beach these ships (right when we had began to get the hang of sailing) so close to shore because vulnerability is the scariest goddamn thing.

And I am just like those presents in 80s sitcoms where the box and lid are wrapped separately, and you can open it up so simply. Oh, I’ve got this lid that you can lift off and away, and I’ll let you in, but I’ll never allow you to"

W 57th Street, NYC

Love Doesn't Change

At least your thoughts about it don’t change as you get older.

I don’t care how heartbroken, how hurt,

how beat up your heart is —

if you were a hopeless romantic to begin with (or a hopeful one),

I think that’s the way you’ll always be.

I'll Eat You Up, I Love You So

When It Happens To You...

It's Not That Far Really

This Is Hott.

Call It Art.

How to be (less) Awkward: I really like myself–you probably really like yourself, too. But that’s no reason to not keep changing and growing–the goal is to keep becoming a better version of yourself.

Phenomenal Love

The Designate Waiting Area

"I am waiting for patiently in the designated waiting area.
So when you are ready, please come and put me in your arms.


Learning to live alone was impossibly heartbreaking. Now, I have been "living" alone for quite a bit of time now, but, we never really are alone are we? For the time after a breakup you live with the ghost of the past. It sits on your shoulder and clouds your heart with a little gloom at all times. At some point the gloomy days go away and you find yourself walking on the street and instead of thinking, I wonder what the future will hold? When will I feel okay again? instead you think: Wow I am so alone right now. I can almost bet that not one person is thinking about me right now. But, I feel really great and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for me. Learning to live alone is hard. Living alone is not so bad

Listen, you can't love someone into loving you back. You cannot even like someone into liking you back. Stop trying. It never works. The only thing we really have control of at any moment is how we allow ourselves to feel about that. It used to make me really sad, and now, I feel liberated. Why try to make a peanut butter sandwich when you have no jelly? Why not just grab a spoon and enjoy a big spoonful of the good stuff for yourself?

I know what I am asking for- for everything I just wrote to be the exact opposite and for it to work out, just this one time, for me."

Actually...

I really like this idea. Damn Jenn, for putting it my mind. Haha, I also like the idea of it being on my hip. Ugh, I need to get this one finally removed though. I have another session in December schedule, another $150 down the drain.

I hate being broke and I hate how I have debt on my credit cards. I'm slowly paying them off but literally, my bank account is at the lowest it's ever been. I can't handle that. I know I can't go out so seriously, that's the biggest reason as to why I've been home so much. I simply cant afford shit right now. My mom keeps offering my money but I don't feel right accepting any of it. She's helping me with school and I already have her giving me money for food.

Plus, I know Christmas is coming up, and well that's always a tight time in the house. I never grew up getting any sort of extravagant gifts. I don't know what thats like. I get basics. I remember growing up, I would expect a lot but when I look at some people now, my "big" gifts is they're minimal. I'm as much of a brat to say that I'm jealous. But I also know that it's not about that. It's the materialistic side of me. I made my actual Christmas list this morning for my mom and I let her know some of the stuff on it. I always put about 30 stuff, I get at least one thing from each person. I have to make a list or I receive clothes from Epic...

I Do.

I do miss it. I miss discovering a new soul, a new body. Finding the soft spots, finding what makes their toes curls. I miss the first's. I miss the late night phone calls, waking up to early morning texts, and the anytime love sessions. I miss the nights that turn into endless story-time.

I miss it so much sometimes, that my heart aches.

mmm <3

Hugs

Words Women Use and What They Really Mean:

1. Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments
2. Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it’s an even trade.
3. Nothing - This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”.
4. Go Ahead - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
5. Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
6. Go Ahead (Neutral Expression) - This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
7. Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
8. Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
9. That’s Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”.
10. Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
11. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.
12. Thanks A Lot - This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

Actually, Only Three States.

Precious.

Only Once

" i have this dream of being whole,

of not going to sleep each night wanting.

but still sometimes when the wind is warm and the crickets sing, i dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

i just want someone to love me. i want to be seen.

i don’t know. maybe i’ve had my happiness."

— practical magic

Silly.

Pretty much sums it up.

FamBam

The one I was born into, and the one I created.

Spiral

I want to live in a building with stairs like this. Of course, with an optional elevator.

Oh, Math

Dreaming of You

You're Not The Only One

"The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places,

those nights spent awake and all you've done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit.

The good news is, this wouldn't be the first time someone's crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell."

-I Wrote This For You

Growth

Will You?

I do know that if I don’t ask you to be mine,

I’ll regret it for the rest of my life
— Runaway Bride

What I Am...

I'm a lover and a fighter. I get angry easily, but I'm working on it. I party, I sleep, I think too much, but I get my shit done. I have a weakness for sweet talkers, but I'm learning and enforcing my boundaries. I don't let many people in, but once they're in, they're there forever. I'm strong and independent. I've been broken, but never shattered.

This Shit Is MY LIFE.

Unlimited

I haven't written a legit entry in quite some time. Nothing too exciting on this end, I pretty much fail at life. I don't know what's going on with me. I just know, I don't like it.

I stumbled upon my old DeadJournal, I can't go back to it ever again, and made me realize a lot. One major thing, I was never in place to have a relationship with Hairo. I was seriously depressed overall (why? I don't have the slightest clue). Another major thing, my dedication to school. Something that I wish I had back. Oh, and I wrote even shittier than I do now, didn't think that was entirely possible?

The past few days, I've been getting some pretty intense headaches and random spurts of tears. Basically, I've been sort of a mess and not very attractive. I honestly want to sleep all the time.

So, of course during emotional times, I go back to my boy issue. I thought about it and I'm just stupid. I say this in the sense of how much time and energy I put into thinking about something who isn't even there. I've done this my whole life, right back to my father. I think of dream situations that I want to be placed in to prove my worth. Its ridiculous. Its sad. It needs to stop.

I know I honestly did like Courtney. I think with Fitz, I wanted so badly to like someone that he was cute and fun, but when it came down to it, he was SO not my type. I hadn't like anyone, truly, in so long. I still haven't. It's weird but it does take a lot to grab my attention and hold it longer than a week. Courtney and me, we weren't physical so I can't confuse the two like I did with Fitz. But he isn't there. I can't think of why he isn't or the maybes. I think the distance or school but when it comes down to it, when you want someone and I mean WANT, can't stop thinking about them, you'd find a way. I think even if I were to go home and see him, why should I bother? I mean, he disappeared on me and that shit doesn't fly with me. I don't want a relationship (of any sorts) to start off with a disappearing act. It's sucks, yeah it does a lot. And I probably won't stop thinking about him for some time now, 'cause I'm just strange like that but I HAVE to let go. I need to free myself from my own torment.

For a long time, I didn't know how to really do anything but to love Hairo. Now I think I just don't know how to love another person. Properly, patiently, and most importantly, normally. I figure, it's going to end eventually, just go into overdrive. I'm afraid of spending another two years on someone. I can't keep reaching for people who don't need me in their lives. I want to believe I deserve more. But who knows. I know I'm fucked up in the head.

I feel like I need something monumental to happen to make my life make sense again, I just don't know what it should be.

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You

New Tattoo?

I kind of like this, a lot. I envision it going done my side. Possibly?

For the Unknown

"I am nervous. I'm afraid.

But I will stand here in the white hot heat of you.

I will play Russian roulette with your playlists.

I will tell jokes I'm not sure you'll find funny.

I will hold on until there is no more reason to.

And in the end,

I will break the stars and resurrect the sun."

ON REPEAT.

Spice Up Your Life

Happy Birthday

I Like to Think

Wear My Heart on My Sleeve

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.’"
— John Greenleaf Whittier

"and as if you didn't already know this..
i’ll be thinking of you tonight. the sky will turn violet then speckled black, and you won’t be here. my heart will break one more time, and you still won’t be here."

The Beauty of Errors

I made a lot of mistakes before I got to you

(each one honest and none that I regret).

The same way a tree bends in the wind and twists

and turns, before it can touch the sky.

Just Go With it

Lay In Bed

Soon?

Lovemap

"I had given it all up to begin again at the beginning. Who did I want to be. What did I want to do? Who would be my one to love?
Quintessence. I waited on the possibility of a spark. My one extravagant heart's desire to live large, to find love, to know joy.
The mystery of geography is that you can both find and lose yourself in the latitudes familiar and strange. We stumbled into romance with few questions, knew what was necessary to know, and hoped, yes, hoped that the best was yet to come. " - Glenda Burgess

Once In A Blue Moon