Good Night, and Good Luck

There are large part of me that are still very mad at the world because I do not understand why good people, like me, have to be lonely.

I watch all these people buzzing like bees around me in all the different areas of my life and everyone seems to be connected to something. I feel disconnected. I am just alone.

Everything I am connected to is made by me and so really it is just a connection to myself. I exist in this little bubble of me, and if I chose not to reach out into the world for a few days, I am never surprised to not be contacted by anyone, I fly by without showing up on any persons radar. That is a terrible way to feel, and a terrible thing to realize: I literally do not matter to anyone.

I want to be happy for all the people I see, and know, who are in love, for everyone holding hands, for all the people that do not have be alone, wondering, like me, if they some how deserve this loneliness, if maybe god, or the universe never did really forgive me for my sins.

It must be nice to wake up somewhere, and belong there and know that it is a forever situation, that your love you share with someone isn’t a trend or a time that will be replaced and forgotten at some point. That the person looking back at you sees you as their connection in life , that you are not an afterthought and never will be. That they are not thinking about the time when you wont be there, because you will always be there.

I want that. Please.