I don't like unfairness. Play nice kids. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I guess I could come off naive but I'm not stupid but I know when things can be avoided.
Passing judgement on any part of my life, isn't allowed. From anyone. "I do what I want." Yes, I dwell on my problems, my silly little,stupid problems that don't deserves any energy. I'm not acting like I'm above, I do know what deserves my time and what doesn't. I've been through enough to know what I want, what I'm willing to put up with, what I need, and what I can get.
"I guess the choice we have is whether you want to move on, or if you want to live in the past. I cannot help the memories from coming into my mind but I get to choose how I acknowledge them. Move on or Move back. It doesn't matter what I say now. It doesn't matter that your memory ha come upon my senses so. It doesn't matter that I can smell you right here on this street. I find it amazing that I can clear my mind of every awful thing that happened. I am assaulted with loss. I can't remember what a terrible lover you were because I can only remember how alive I felt when I was trying to make the movies real for you. I can't help but wonder if there are other girls walking along the streets questioning the reason why someone always has to lose. A heart can break, and then it can heal, I can move on, find new people to love but the years I lived with you are stolen because I lived them for you. I saw and experienced so many amazing things. I want to forget you. I try to take you out of each of the memories and somehow they don't seem as special. I don't even miss you. I just miss the way I felt about life when you said you believed in me. There were so many moments that took my breath away. You stole my heart away." -KC
For several years I had my best friend scream at me on a daily basis to give up Hairo. I didnt want to. I wanted to put myself through torture. I wanted to continue feeling empty and unloved. I know now how frustrated she felt with me. But I know I needed to come to terms with everything on my time.
Taking a bottle of pills was my rock bottom. I think the moment I realized I needed to find my way back to life was when Jaber came to me that day and said "how dare you do that to your mother?" I finally realized I couldn't be selfish anymore. That's what I had been doing for so long. Being selfish in wallowing in self-pity, pushing people away, crying all the time on everyone's good time, and making everyone feel like they weren't good enough to make me happy.
When I knew he found out that I tried to end everything that day and still didn't come for me, I also realize that it was never going to be right again. His reasons for not reaching out is still unsure, and I don't care. I know he loved me a long time ago. But he was on different course, we both were. I just didn't want to see it. He saw what he wanted so quickly and I was left behind trying to figure it all out.
I finally started figuring out what made me happy as an individual and not what use to make us happy, or him happy. Whenever he was happy, I was too. I realize the people I couldn't keep and the people I needed to find. My life for the next year went through one of the biggest transitions I ever could have imagine. It started with a trip to Vegas. It was a way to clear my head and to see that, yeah there's more to life than my center of the universe. People notice my changes on the outside, but inside- well, it was a complete 180.
I think I couldn't be grateful enough for the people that came into my life that year, or became more prominent. From there I continued to grow and figure who I was. Once I started on my solo trip, I started actually being happy with life. Something I was never able to do, even when I was with him.
I'm not saying I got it all figured out. I got maybe 5%. But I get closer everyday. Everytime I meet someone new, I share something with someone, I read a book, I watch a movie, I hear a song, I walk in the streets of Boston, when I dream, and when I sit back and remember how everything really was. Not how I wish it was. I'll never be 100% but I don't plan to be. I think that's what makes people unhappy. They want all or nothing. I'm pretty damn good with just this small amount.
When I use to meet guys, I looked for you in them. In their laughs, how they joked, how they reacted to my faces, how they said my name. For the longest time, I just kept saying"that isn't right." I met, or re-met someone and he didn't do anything you did. He did it completely different. Except for the shyness, which apparently I attract. Anyways, I'll always been impatient, you did things quick. Well, he's doing things his ways, and I'm willing enough to ride it out. I'm still gonna live my life, and I know everything happens for a reason. So whether or not it works out in the end, I'm learning to appreciate the little experience I gained. I definitely learned not every guy is gonna try to get in my pants on the first date. There is something special about him that I want to uncover, but it's a game. I have to wait it out. Really learning about the virtue of patience here.
I look for signs that'll show me the way. I think I need to stop doing this. I need to stop with the signs, and do my thing. Make an ass of myself and figure out what works. I'll probably keep striking out, but I don't want to ever look back and regret.
"I would always rather you regret something you did over something you didn't...when you make a mistake, you gain experience and learn. When you never try, you gain nothing." -JS
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