A Ghost of A Good Thing

I hate that I will forever be the chubby girl. Losing weight does not come easy. I start working out and eating right, and nothing. I need to work harder but I dont know what I'm doing wrong in the first place. I just want to be happy with myself. It's the only thing that still holds me back. Still makes me shy. Still makes me unsure about...boys.

I keep thinking about Gatsby. I deleted him number and I'm holding to that fact that I WILL NEVER TEXT HIM AGAIN. Or see him for that matter. It sucks. I KNOW something was there. I don't get that attach to guys like that..that quick too! From the first night, ugh I keep talking about it. I keep replaying how many times I was so awkward. How I probably fucked it up.

I want to go to a psychic. Maybe make some sense of all of this.

Why does he have to be so freaking cute?

I finished midterms and I'm waiting for results. I hope I did well. I havent worked too hard this semester but I want good grades. I have to write another paper for Journalism this week. Im hoping this one is steller. Above 90 mark.

I'm at work. And I DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! It's nice compared to all my other jobs. But I need to get in the groove of doing homework or reading while I'm here. Tomorrow I should do my Co-Op paper and Journalism paper while I'm here.

I brought the book "The Art of Seduction" which I guess I desperately need. I have to start reading it. Maybe I'll finish it before Thanksgiving break and I'll see Gatsby. Highly unlikely. And I shouldn't keep thinking about it like that.

I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

Justine offered to pay for my plane ticket to Vegas for my birthday. Oy, I really want to go.

I just got a need credit card...$5000 limit. WHOA! That's a little too much for my liking. Black Friday shopping!

Hah, not a good idea.

I'm doing crazy research on internships. I have to get one for the summer. I also have to finish my Dialougues application and turn it in. I REALLY hope I get in that.

I kinda just wish some stuff will go right in my life. If I can't lose weight, let me get steller grades. If I can't get good grades, boy toy? I'm getting lonely. I want to snuggle.

Good thing I'm not home running back into the dreaded Ex's arms. I'm still creeping on him but its more out of habit I think.

I just wanna hold your hand, Gatsby.

"you just used me for sex"

I FINALLY GOT A JOB!

I'm working at Kennedy Residence Hall and it's an easy job. My boss seems EXTREMELY nice and I'm just happy to start working finally. 

Now I wish I could get my ass in gear to do homework and study. History midterm tomorrow and I haven't studied. Waking up early again! woo. Not fun.

I'm trying to organize myself at least.

Tampa Bay VS. Red Sox

I'm watching the game and I am freaking out because I really hope Red Sox doesn't win. That is the last thing I would want. But with my luck, they will. Any team that I root for always loses. 

I didn't do much today. Fuck this. Well at least I did my italian homework. I have so more to do. I think all I really have to do is studying for midterms that are coming up in the next few weeks. 

My roomie is annoying the fuck out of me right now. She's a big brat. And I'm over it. It's about Matt because he's into her and she obviously is not. So she's just using him and that's not cool. And he's really pompous. 

Okay trying to concentrate and watch the game. Night.

Oh wait, yeah I texted Gatsby again. This is what I said to him...

"Hey I just wanna apologize for texting you so much. idk why I do. Just tryin to be friends I guess yikes ha."

I mean its not that bad but I still shouldn't have. He didn't respond. Fuck. There goes my last chance for a second fuck and for redemption. 

What's another word for "Fuck"?

I fucked up twice last night.

 One AND the biggest one, I texted messaged Gatsby. What.the.fuck.is.wrong.with.me? I need to fucking leave the kid alone and I'm so annoyed with myself. I am not fucking desperate but I definitely want to be friends with him. I deleted him again from my phone. 

I can't do that shit anymore.

Two, I called fucking Hairo. What the fuck ever, I was wasted beyond stability. But I know I cut the conversation short. I called him but I hung up before he answered but then I know he called me back. It was like 3 AM, dude chill the fuck out. I know he wants to stay friends so thats why he called. 

My dumbass needs to forget that number like I need to forget Gatsby.

Fuck my life. 

Haha, I mean its a joke but then I should learn to drop the two of them when I drink. I dont fucking chase anyone. 

Whoa, I'm cursing a lot in this one. But I really am annoyed with myself. 

what's up, what's haapnin?

I decided to post the quotes from "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." I don't want to go searching from them through the book or online whenever I want a good away message. 

Today was a busy day. I woke up late by luck. My phone died last night and all I had as an alarm was my iPod. I woke up around 8:20 and made it to class a little late. My teacher knows my name now. Then I went straight to City Hall and did a run around but I got all my information I think. I'll have to double check with Matson tomorrow. I'm excited for the weekend. I need to sleep. More importantly I need to studying, midterms are looming.

Claudio said I looked good today. It's annoying to hear compliments because then I guess the days I don't, I look like shit. 

I'm watching the Red Sox-Rays game. I don't know who I want to win the World Series, but I definitely don't want the Red Sox to make it. I hate them. I decided I want to buy some stuff from the Yankee stores and look into opening game for next season at the new stadium, it be sweet if I had a boyfriend to take. I miss spoiling someone. Ha, my friends are lucky because of that.

Deanna and Joe, I believe, are talking now. Which makes me really excited because I think he's so precious and would treat her good. Way better than Chris did. She seems into the idea. Lauren isn't so much. Last year, she had a major crush on Joe and he didn't realize or wasn't into. So now Lauren is taking it as a slap in the face. Which I can definitely understand but she really shouldn't hold it against Deanna or Joe. I remember when I use to like Rob so so so much and he liked Michele, surprise surprise. Well I mean in the end it worked out in my benefit. Not everyone you like is going to like you back. More times than not, they won't. It just a experience. I know she feels like she is constantly rejected but I mean I've been through that...a lot. And I guess even now. I also know now who's worth even going after.

I forgot to mention that I am going to Rome. Fucking Rome! I can't even believe it until I'm there. I'm going with Jennie the week of Spring Break. We're staying with her friend Chris who going to be there for Study Abroad. I can't even wait! It kinda sucks though because as of now, I can't afford to go to Vegas anymore. I really wanted to. But then I don't ever talk to Justine so why fucking bother?

It kinda hurts how she does not even make an effort to see how her "best friend" is doing. To be honest, I don't think I can even call her that anymore. It's sad. But I use to call her all the time and text her even this past year, and she just... never cared I guess. Whatever, she has Matt, that's good enough for her...right? Fuck it.

Eright, I must try homework. But knowing me, I'll be watching the game. 'Till next time. 

There is no ending here..it's an infinite playlist

"The way you're singing in your sleep

The way you look before you leap 

The strange illusions that you keep

You don't know

But I'm noticing"

pg. 17

"You haven't missed me for one fucking minute. You have never for one single second in your entire pathetic life missed me. You might have missed fucking with my head, and you might have missed the satisfaction you so clearly got from demolishing me, but those are your emotions you're missing, not mine. I'm afraid I can't help you."

pg. 40

"I'm on a date with a good guy and I've given him more mixed signals than a dyslexic Morse code operator."

pg. 57

"I should have been more grateful for him, because no guy besides Tal would ever put up with me."

pg. 57

"I know you probably think I'm a horrid bitch from the planet Schizophrenia, but I'm honestly not trying to mess with your head. I'm just messing with my own head and I seem to have dragged you along for the ride. I think you're nice to me and that scares the fuck out of me. because when a guys a jerk or an asshole, it's easier because you know exactly where you. Since trust isn't an option, you don't have to get all freaked out about having to trust him. 

... but what I'm trying to say is that if you did I would be sorry, and not just sorry in an I-apologize-I'm-so-sorry way but sorry in a sad-that-something-that could've-happened-didn't way."

pg. 63

"I discovered out of nowhere and then discovered I wanted and once I tasted it, I yearned for it. but I know I must accept defeat because this whole night was an accident, clearly."

pg 89

"Fuck her for being such a fantastic kisser."

pg.95

"Fuck me for not knowing what I want." 

pg 95

"Fuck this wondering. Fuck this trying and trying. Fuck this belief that two people can become one ideal. Fuck this helplessness. Fuck this waiting for something to happen that probably won't ever happen."

pg. 97

"When someone breaks up with you, their beauty - which you took such satisfaction in, suddenly becomes unfair."

pg. 99

"Because not only can you not let go, but you don't ever fucking realize that the thing you're holding on to isn't even there."

pg 100

"Okay, I know one thing I want, something that I can have, I want to conclusively end the Tal regression spiral. So maybe I lost out on Nick. But at least now I know. There are Nicks out there."

pg. 109

"This is why The Beatles got it. Other bands, its about sex. Or pain. Or some fantasy. But The Beatles, they knew what they were doing. You know the reason The Beatles made it so big? 

... Thats what everyone wants. Not 24-7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a blow job or a million dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. 

... And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearable exciting moments of hand holding."

pg. 118

"A true friend's work is never done."

pg. 127

-originally from "Heathers"

"The way you're singing in your sleep.

The way you look before you leap.

The strange illusions that you keep.

You don't know.

But I'm noticing.

The way your touch turns in arcs.

The way you slide in the dark.

The beating of my open heart.

You don't know. 

But I'm noticing."

pg. 137

"Basically its says the world has been broken into pieces. All this chaos, all this discord. And our job - everyone's job- is to try to put the pieces back together. To makes things whole again."

pg. 143

"Maybe it isn't that were suppose to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we're the pieces...what we're supposed to do is come together. That's how we stop the breaking."

pg. 145

"If I don't shut down my brain soon, my imagination will take off so far about what could be with this guy, that nothing will ever able to just be."

pg. 149

"Conversation with you is like a drug."

pg. 152

"It's over when you decide it's over, when you call it a night. The rest is just a matter of where the sun is in the sky. That has nothing to do with us."

pg. 170

If I were a boy....

I went home this weekend. It was such a good time.

 Parties at Eric's both Friday and Saturday. I got fucking wasted but it was good times. Saturday was a bigger party and all my girls came. Even Jennie and that made me so happy. We went through three cases of 18 packs. Yeah, blacking out isn't good. But it happens and it's better with friends that you trust.

 I miss the guys from Amityville all the time. I think my drunkness kept making me say how cute Phill is. That's not okay. I mean he is! But that is just awkward. I'm just friends with all these kids. I don't want any of them think that I'm crushing. 

I missed home a bit and it was nice for a short visit but I'm happy to be back in Boston. 

I didn't wake up on time for my Journalism class. Oy

I have a lot to do this week, I better get started.

Shit happened with Hairo today. But the thing is, it's not even worth mentioning anymore. I called him out on a lot of shit and he couldn't lie. He only kept me in his life to satisfy his own needs and not to feel like he's a bigger douche than he really is. I do wish him the best because all I ever wanted for him was to be happy. I hope he finds that. In whoever.

stylist of the stars

I went and got my hair cut today. Cost me about 58 bucks, which is basically a'lure price. So whatever. I needed it. My hair doesn't look so torn up anymore. This was the first time a guy actually cut my hair. He was precious. And quick. He just kept saying "fantastic!" I wish I knew how to blow dry my hair because it comes out so nice. Maybe this will boost me up from my slump. I'm just tired right now. This is the first time I've been home all day and my feet hurt. Nap time? I think so. 

In the end it's all nice

I just finally saw the ending of Requiem for a Dream. I never actually got through it. It's such an intense movie. If I ever wanted to do drugs, that definitely made me rethink it. After the movie, Anna and I went to Dario's because we needed to laugh. Claudio welcomed us, and he looked hott in a black shirt. His girlfriend came over soon after. She was kinda bitchy, and that wasn't my word. Anna can't stand her. Claudio says its not going well but she's constantly over and they cuddle. Why do boys lie? Why do I like the ones that I really have no chance with? I need a new boy. I don't need a boyfriend. But I miss the hand holding and the kissing goodbye. I miss feeling all fuzzy inside when I'm going to see them. I don't miss the restrictions or the judgement because of guy friends. Or having to plan out my weekend according to them. I don't miss not having my alone time or girl's night. I need those in my life. So how can I fit another person in my life? Could I really give myself to someone else  again? I think I've been through to much and I'm selfish now. So that's that. I must prepare for a life a loneliness. 

Let's Make This Last Forever

SO this is my first entry. It's not going to be very exciting. I don't have much going on beside school.

School is not going fantastic. I mean I haven't had any tests really but I just haven't been doing the reading or studying enough. Which I'm hoping my ass will turn around. On top of that, I haven't been working out. So my whole plan for this semester isn't exactly being followed through. I have a test today in Italian, and I am hoping that I will do well on it, but who knows. I'm going to do a booth with TasteMakers at 2:30 until my class. Then come home, eat dinner, work out(?), study(?). Hm, possibly. I really should though. 

Next weekend, I'm going home and I'm really excited for that because I just want my old bed and some of Mommadukes' cooking. She asked me to come home this weekend but I have a Journalism paper due Tuesday which Im really nervous about. I can't get in contact with either one of my sources that I had in mind. So today I emailed two new ones, in hopes they respond to me by the end of the day.

I still think about....Gatsby. Like a lot. I deleted him from my phone because I did not want to drunk text him anymore. I really hope to see him over break. This is part of the reason why I wanted to stick with a work out plan. There is something different about him, and I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I just have to prove myself. I just thought after we had sex, I prove I could get him and it be out of my system. But no, I had to get all woman-ly and get hooked..? I guess that's what it is. Who knows.

I, unfortunately, go back to Hairo when I'm single. Which is disaster written all over it. I just can't trust his motives and he gets under my skin to easily. And that's more frustrating than anything else. I wish I could just block him out. I want to be friends with him. I don't get jealous or annoyed with the fact thats he's with Kim. That's their choice. I think it's foolish on both parts. I mean this judgement is based on what he has told me about the whole situation. He makes it clear that he does not want her as a girlfriend. I sorta feel sorry for her. But anyways, we talked for like two hours the other night. And it ended with apparently him coming to visit. But thats not a good idea. Why is my ex-boyfriend visiting me? Especiall before any of my friends actually do? It's so strange. He firmly states he does not care who I am with and etc. then why so damn curious? He questioned me a lot in that convo. And there is always a hint of jealousy or annoyance when I talk about another guy. He made his choices and he decided to treat me the way he did. Not saying it was all bad, but he could have been a better person in the end. He choose to turn into an asshole, which he says happens when he's pushed, but you know, not everyone is like that and we might have been better exes for it. What can I expect from him? He's not that type of person. It's sad but I know he's going to be stuck in the same spot. Maybe he doesn't want to go grow and branch out. He's probably happy with the same people and the same mundane things. I could never be happy with him now. I know that for sure. He says Im lost. No, I'm not lost sir. I just don't wish to sit in one spot for my whole life. I want to experience new surroundings and people. I'm searching for my self. "All those who wander are not lost. " Don't judge. But before that, I need to learn to not your judgement effect me. 

I need to go now. Wish me luck on this test. I'll update more later.